I remember my early twenties
Big mansions in the shadows
Cleaning the houses of the old ladies
Walked through the door with them
Persian rugs chosen by my father
He remembered every single one
Climbed the staircases like home
Opening the bedroom windows
Light particles dancing over pictures
Of people young in different ages
The untold stories on their faces
The hallway deeply dark and dusty
Felt the presence of the circusboy
As a lamp suddenly started flickering
Unknown caller turned out to be a Sophie
‘Did he actually tell you to stalk me?’
She snorted somewhat dismissively at me
So shit talked Jasmine under the table
But she said girl, as long as there’s wine
On this blazed student terrace I’m fine
Sweet message beeping in from Pumpkin
Invitation to a midsummer night concert
Playing the violin made her hair frizzy
Babe let’s go for dinner with a big X
When I sat down the laundry
Waved in the backyard breeze
It used to permeate my skin so naturally
The old lady said here’s more chocolate
We discussed the Second World War
Chuckled and drank pitch black tea
The gleam in her eye was still there
As the Burmese cat stretched itself
On the flower-embroidered chair
And I continued moving flying ants
While she hummed playing rummy
Not knowing how it would all turn out
The future invisibly stretching itself ahead
Just hoping for the best, making grocery lists
The privileged students angrily protesting
I dreamt of blowing up the arena like Katniss
My dad asked and who pays your health insurance?
Putting in my new hair lotion, going through the daily motions
Always missing the beautiful gaze of Anne
How we went ice skating in the evening
She was friendly to drifters and tramps
Couldn’t dance in the moonlight forever
Her death froze my heart over
But as the sun illuminated my skin
My hair getting messed by the wind
I remember breathing out, breathing in
Thinking maybe the summer could save me
I remember my midtwenties
Biking home and taking off my sweater
The summer rain washing out my worries
Raindrops cooling and soothing my skin
Pack of light cigarettes in my bag
As I went out for drinks with Charlotte
Dropped her and my bike accidentally
When we met my friends at the old pub
She said my girlish glow made up for a lot
Mitchell said YOU BETTER STOP SMOKING
I Will Not Stand For This Self Imposed Cancer
And within a fortnight we were downtown again
Under the sun eating pancakes with strawberries
Dancing and hanging with his sister in the kitchen
I might have stolen one or two of his sweaters
Juliette started her internship and she praised
My Emma Watson hair made with a straightener
Discussed the concrete building blocks of society
Midnight tea sessions on her balcony with Fonzy
We agreed it was one of our favourite evenings
Threw my sneakers off when it got seriously hot
Walked barefoot into the shadows of the graveyard
As a devoted catholic with summertime sadness
But my wealthy clan of uncles had no time for me
They were busy suing the shit out of everybody
Trying to lunch fast on a bench at the waterbed
Biking to the next address and after knocking
Sent Mitchell the nameplate: A. Neighbour
Happily tapping my feet on the hardwood floor
Bouncing like Pinga when nobody was looking
Throwing the spiders out from a safe distance
Hearing the soothing mumbling and bickering
Of husbands and wives and their adult children
Echo downstairs: “I SAID DEAN, HAVE A COOKIE”
Getting back home and sighing as my dad made
The whole neighbourhood listen to Faithless again
Not knowing how it would all turn out
The future invisibly stretching itself ahead
Just hoping for the best, checking grocery lists
The privileged students angrily protesting
I dreamt of blowing up the arena like Katniss
My dad asked and who pays your health insurance?
Putting in my new hair lotion, going through the daily motions
Always missing the beautiful gaze of Anne
How we went ice skating in the evening
She was friendly to drifters and tramps
Couldn’t dance in the moonlight forever
Her death froze my heart over
But as the sun illuminated my skin
My hair getting messed by the wind
I remember breathing in, breathing out
Thinking maybe the summer could save me
I remember being in my late twenties
Walking through the overgrown garden centre
By that time the tissue of my muscles burned
And somehow my joints were always creaking
The doctor said this diagnosis seems wrong
You’re still in your twenties and that’s too young
Getting sick and tired of this new chill in my bones
Drank cuppa’s green leaves and spent most Sundays
Having luncheons with my mama in the tea garden
Took care of foster chickens at a children’s farm
Decorated every room I had with Monet’s serenity
While everybody partied until the morning with LSD
I was never a sinner but still felt my collapsing body
So they all declared me dead and gathered at the wake
The circusboy lined up the girls to put on their best sad face
Pumpkin did the introduction (‘She never would’ve made it’)
Mitchell said sweet words about all ways I wronged him
Charlotte and Jasmine threw a terrific afterparty
But I found myself alive in the shadows cast by autumn
With a coffee-to-go in my hand and a solid golden whippet
Applied for countless jobs, wrote lengthy letters
My fellow students were off to the races became
Everything from travel agents and HR managers
To recruiters and good communication officers
But before there was a bookshop that said yes
I stood right there between the garden gnomes
No longer being able to envision any longevity
Would I find my job, find my own home, find my man?
Big sunglassed Rosalie said: make that coffee black
Back from a bike ride through Israel’s bloody conflict
Gwendolyn with wavy curls and a smile so cheeky
“Ice Queen, let’s take another selfie! You’re looking so good on me”
My dad protested he still paid my health insurance
But back into the woods and kicking off my shoes
I remember the daylight was simply beautiful
My friends said rock steady girl, we’ll pick you up
I started battling my misty mind
By taking photos that were clear and lucid
Always missing the beautiful gaze of Anne
How we went ice skating in the evening
She was friendly to drifters and tramps
Couldn’t dance in the moonlight forever
Her death froze my heart over
But as the sun illuminated my skin
My hair getting messed by the wind
I remember breathing in, breathing out
Thinking maybe the summer could save me
I remember turning thirty
It was a somewhat cruel summer in the city
With a boy I just knew as the dark academic
Drinking double espressos and mostly disagreeing
Having fun making his mathematical labyrinths
I spilled my secrets like a hungover puppet
Fought with a restaurant owner over a stray cat
While my boy remained a dignified gentleman
He said let’s go old school and watch Friends
We opened the windows for a soft breeze
And when the night air fell down on the city
I threw on my summer dress and his gelled hair got messy
Walking hand in hand passing the city’s old canal
Peeking into old workers houses with ice cream
After which he put a pink Lily in my frizzy hair
l Iove you he said gravely, good for you I said
A girl convinced him to try the oldest whisky
Limonchello for me for show, because it felt cozy
Surrounded by these laughing people I felt so safe
The next morning he said let’s go swimming
Out of the shower that was mold covered
I threw on a wide shirt, short skirt and slippers
My hands around his waist while he navigated
His rusty bike through the crowded city centre
As we arrived at the outskirts he jumped in
At this old swimming pool and I lay down thinking
Brainiacs will develop a cure in some distant future
One day they might say: ‘you’ve got seriously
Misshaped mast cells without the right receptors
Or something along that line to explain the ice
Pulling me under to hybernate again
And I could turn back into a healthy person
But I will listen to 80’s synth pop until then
Woke up to the sound of my boyfriend brewing coffee
My dad protested he still paid my health insurance
Always missing the beautiful gaze of Anne
How we went ice skating in the evening
She was friendly to drifters and tramps
Couldn’t dance in the moonlight forever
Her death froze my heart over
But as the sun illuminated my skin
My hair getting messed by the wind
I remember breathing out, breathing in
Thinking maybe the summer could save me
Now I’m in my early thirties
At the first sign of blooming spring
My husband drove us to the beach again
And maybe behind my back you’re all
Saying I’m heading in the wrong direction
Of being a chilled-out trophy wife
The big hybrid car such a capitalist cliché
But at least I’m paying my own health insurance
And the wind will blow your judgment away
Watched Sofia Coppola’s Priscilla Presley
Put on my dark pink underwear but forgot
The soap bars made it smell like lavender
Swiftly singing songs on the highway
Two years of long covid shipwrecked me
Those nights where I woke up in a sweat
Cursing death for suddenly taking them
But I prefer to keep my pain backstage
Why should I become one of those sob stories?
A curated portrait of another chronic illness
That people read in newspapers while yawning
If I can camouflage my sorrow with elegant clothing
And a collection of oversized eighties earrings
My rheumatologist said there’s no solution to this
But the sea will alleviate most of your symptoms
So we packed our bags and our sunscreen
Consider The Lobster by David Foster Wallace
Waved while we passed the promising hotshots
Stacked in the shimmering WTC buildings
And we drove back to the beginning
Where my dad once built fires and we listened
To The Red Hot Chili Peppers in the old white van
There was a party at the Beach house with pride flags
Under crimson skies a man shining in a beautiful dress
Rocking his long hair like Todd Rundgren at a wedding
Down in the sand where my family soaked up the sun
And the Afghan hounds went swimming with us
Back to the babies with their hats and sunglasses
My mum peacefully chewing her pistachio nuts
Brothers and sisters building sandcastles
The wrinkled white skins of grandpas in chairs
Taking in the breeze, seated on sand banks peacefully
Teenage girls crawling under the barbed wires
As the green dunes were right ahead of them
The glistening sand between my hands
And as the sun illuminated my skin
I remember breathing in, breathing out
Looking around remembering
My childhood was the queendom,
Where we lived forever.